Harry Potter and the Mysterious Fan Fiction
by dakFinv
Summary: Harry and co. discover fan fiction.
1. More Muggle Rubbish

Disclaimer: Don't own "Harry Potter" or any of the characters. Too bad, if I did it would really help me take care of those student loans...

Summary: Harry and co. discover fan fiction. Set after the summer after Book 5.

"Arthur Weasley! I will not have you bringing another piece of rubbish into this house!"

"But Molly, dear, it's for work. No one at the Ministry can seem to figure out what this is, and I thought, well, since Harry's here and he was raised by Muggles, he could tell us what it does."

"No one at the Ministry could tell you Arthur? Not even Muggle Relations?"

Arthur Weasley didn't answer.

"Did you even ask the Department of Muggle Relations..."

Molly Weasley took a small, calculated step towards her husband who, at that moment, was standing outside their front door holding a large box, which seemed to be completely plastic, except for one side that looked like it was made out of glass.

Arthur gulped and took a small step back, trying to figure out what he could possibly say to appease his furious wife. Unfortunately, when she was this mad, there wasn't much anyone could do to distract her, unless of course you were Fred and George Weasley.

And fortunately for Arthur, his twin sons picked just the right moment to apparate into the family kitchen.

"Now, I know we had some bezoar around here somewhere..."

"...I think it was near where we got the Doxy eggs..."

"...Do you think it'll work well with the boomslang skin?"

"...Of course, George as long as we..."

"...mix it in the right proportions..."

"...Right, we should have no trouble..."

"Fred and George Weasley!"

Molly quickly spun around to face her mischievous entrepreneurs, who at that moment were beginning to rummage through kitchen drawers, searching for what they came for.

"Hi Mum!" They both cheerfully replied.

"What are you doing in my kitchen, and why are you looking for bezoar?"

"Well I think you just..."

"...answered your own question..."

"...but if you must know..."

"Enough! If you want to run that joke shop of yours, fine. At least your working! But if you two can afford to keep a shop open on Diagon Alley then things must be going well enough that you don't have to sneak into your mother's kitchen and steal her own ingredients..."

As Molly continued to argue with her sons on the right and wrong way to run a business, Arthur quickly took this opportunity to run inside the house, well as fast as he could carrying that large box, and headed up the stairs to his younger son Ron's room.

He quietly knocked on the door.

"Boys, quick, let me in," Arthur whispered.

Ron answered the door, somewhat surprised to see his father asking to come into his room.

"Hey Dad. Uhm, what are you doing?"

"Quick, let me in and I'll explain everything."

Ron shrugged his shoulders and stepped aside, allowing his father access to the small, Chudley Cannons-themed room, where he and Harry had previously been trying to work on their History of Magic essay, with little result.

Arthur set down the large object on the bed.

"Quick, close the door."

Still confused, Ron shut the door.

"Hi, Mr. Weasley."

"Hello Harry. Good to see you. In fact, you're just the person I wanted to see."

This time, Harry exchanged confused looks with Ron.

Mr. Weasley stood ringing his hands for a moment from the door, back to the rest of the room, certain his wife would burst in at any moment.

"Uhm, Dad? What..."

"Oh, right. Thanks Ron."

Mr. Weasley begin pulling things out of his robe: a thick rectangular piece of plastic that had all sorts of letters and symbols on it, and an oval-ish piece with a long cord attached. He set them on the bed next to the box.

"In the name of Merlin! What is all this stuff?"

"We're not sure Ron. That's why I brought it here. I was hoping Harry, being raised by Muggles and all, could tell us. We think it may be some form of speaking device for Muggles, with the letters and all, but we're just not sure."

Harry chuckled to himself.

"It's a computer."

Both Ron and Arthur stared at Harry, amazed.

"A what?"

"A computer. Dudley has one. They use it for writing and playing games and stuff. I'm not sure exactly everything it does, the Dursley's have never let me use one, but they're pretty popular."

"Hmm, a Com Pewter..." whispered Arthur.

"ARTHUR WEASLEY! WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Oh, I gotta run boys. Would you mind keeping an eye on this for me? Oh, and don't let Molly see it, alright?"

"Sure Dad."

"No problem Mr. Weasley."

"Thanks..."

"ARTHUR!"

"Gotta go!"

Arthur opened the door and quickly ran down the stairs.

"Coming dear!"

"So why'd your dad bring a computer here if this is for work? Couldn't he have just asked some muggle-born at the Ministry?"

"Well, you know Dad, Harry. Can't help him self when it comes to collecting Muggle stuff. Every time I'm home he's been sneaking things into the house. Keeps'em mostly in Percy's old room. Mom still can't bear to go in there."

"I thought things were a little better with Percy?"

Ron shrugged.

"So, how does it work?"

"Well looks like you're dad's got the monitor, mouse, and keyboard here, but no hard drive. That's really the thing that makes it run..."

"A mouse? I don't see a mouse."

"It's this," Harry said, picking up the oval-ish piece of plastic.

"It doesn't look like a mouse. I mean, I guess that part could be the tail, but it doesn't have any fur or ears or anything. Why would they call it a mouse?"

"I don't know Ron."

"Muggles are so weird. So, can we do anything with it?"

"Well, without the hard drive, not really."

They both thought for a moment.

"Wait, Muggles need this, this..."

"Hard drive?"

"Yeah, hard drive to make it work, because they can't use magic. I mean, that's why they're Muggles, right? And we can use magic! There's got to be a spell or something that could make this work..."

"Yeah, but Ron, it's the summer, remember? We can't use magic outside of Hogwart's unless it's to defend ourselves from Voldemort. I don't think the Ministry will believe that enchanting a computer was a life and death situation."

Ron sighed and slumped onto the bed.

"As long as you two are here, you at least could stay for dinner. You've both been so busy lately that I keep forgetting you're part of this family!"

In Ron and Harry's silence, they could hear Mrs. Weasley's voice echoing from the kitchen.

Harry and Ron grinned at each other.

"Fred and George."

They heard Ron's twin brothers start to head up the stairs, mumbling something about bezoar and Erumpent fluid.

Ron ran over to his door.

"Oi! Forge and Gred!"

"What it is dung brains?"

"Come here a sec."

Fred and George stood in front of Ron's door, unamused expressions on their faces.

"Alright, I'll help you pull that prank on Perfect Percy, if you just come here and help me and Harry with something."

The twins smiled and entered.

Ron explained the situation with the Com Pewter, with Harry filling in the more technical Muggle details that Ron still didn't seem to understand.

"Then why is it a called a mouse?"

Once they were finished, Fred and George were intrigued enough to help their young friends with their dilemma.

"Well Fred, what do you think?"

"I think there could be a spell for this..."

"...if we just think hard enough..."

"...there's got to be something..."

"I've got it!" They both exclaimed at once.

Taking out there wands, they pointed them at the computer, and in unison said:

"DIREVO ASPECTUS!"

A/N: Stay tuned. In our next episode Harry, Ron, Fred, and George discover FanFiction, and more specifically "Snape is Harry's Father" fiction.....


	2. Harry, I Am Your Father

A/N: Thanks for the reviews so far! You guys are great.

The format is a little different when the gang is reading the stories, just to make who says what a little clearer. Things in **bold** are the fanfic stories.

And on with the show....

With a POP and ZING, the computer buzzed, hummed, and came to life. As the glass screen brightly glowed, Ron and the twins took a few steps back.

"Wow...." they all mumbled in unison. Harry just laughed.

"What was that spell guys?"

"Uh? Oh it was just a little something..."

"...we cooked up last year..."

"...when we were trying to figure out..."

"...how to work that, what was that?"

"It was an AB player..."

"You mean a CD player?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, that CD player..."

"...that Dad brought home once."

"Wasn't sure if it would work..."

"...but apparently it did."

Ron was the first to step closer to it.

"So what do we do with it now Harry?"

"Why are you asking me? I've never used one."

"Yeah, but you've lived with someone who has, and that's closer than anything we've got."

"Yeah, Harry, give it a shot."

"You're not scared of it, are you Potter?"

"I'm not the one standing three metres away."

Embarrassed, Fred and George took a few steps closer. Harry walked over to the computer and began to examine it. He didn't have to look long before he noticed some words already on the screen.

"Hey, there's something here."

The three Weasley boys came closer.

"What is it?" asked Ron.

"I'm not sure. It's nothing I've ever seen before."

Fred pointed to the upper left corner of the screen.

"Fan fiction, period, net? What in Merlin's name is that?"

"Gulping gargoyles Harry! Look!"

Open-mouthed, Ron pointed to some words on the screen. No, not just words, a name.

_Harry Potter_ _(158092)_

It was right between _Hardy Boys_ and _Hidden World_, whatever they were.

"That's my name. Why is my name there? And what are those numbers?"

Ron thought hard, "Well, this site seems to be called 'Fan Fiction Net' so maybe you have lots of fans who are fictitious, who want to trap you in a net?"

"Yeah, I'm sure that's exactly it Ron."

"Can't wait to see his OWL results," Fred mumbled to George.

"What?"

"Nothing, Ron. I wonder if our names are written there."

"Yeah, Harry why don't you check that?"

"Okay."

Harry, mimicking what he had seen Dudley do, used the mouse and scrolled down to the bottom of the page. But, there were no Weasley's listed under the W's, nor were there any Arthur, Molly, Bill, Charlie, Fred, George, Ron, Ginny, or even Percy Weasley's listed individually. Another odd thing was that none of the boys recognized any of the other names either. Harry's was the only one that made any sort of sense to them, and even it's presence on this odd, Muggle contraption was confusing.

"Well, once again Harry, you've proved yourself to be undeniably unique, odd, and completely different from everybody else."

"Thanks, George."

"Hey, Harry! Move the mouse again, over your name."

"Why Ron?"

"Just do it."

So, Harry complied. As the little arrow on the screen moved on top of Harry's name. It transformed (or Transfigured as Ron put it) into a little hand.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ron asked.

"I think that means you can click on whatever the hand is pointing on and it will take you to a different screen."

The Weasley boys exchanged more confused glances.

"Here, let me just show you."

Harry hit the mouse button and instantly, the screen changed. It still said "fan fiction, period, net" in the corner but now the columns of strange names were gone, replaced instead with a listing, of well, what were they?

"They look like book titles," Harry whispered, "and these must be the summaries for each of the books."

"Bloody hell, Harry look!"

"I'm already looking Ron."

"Dumbledore, Sirius, Snape, Hermione, Ginny, Lupin, You-Know-Who, me! We're in the summaries, too!" Ron cried out, moving is hand to different places on the screen every time he found a new name.

Harry turned to look at the Twins.

"What have you done?"

"It wasn't us!"

"We swear!"

"On Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes!"

"Our names are there too!"

And sure enough, they were.

"What is all this?"

"Well, let's find out."

And Harry randomly clicked on one of the titles.

**It Can't Be True, But it is!**

**Author: HP4evaSnapeSoCool**

Harry: "Is that person's name 'SnapeSoCool'?"

Ron: "If it is then they have some serious issues."

**Once upon a time...**

Ron: "They are stories!"

Twins: "Shut up, Ron."

**...there was a beautiful woman named Lily Evans.**

Harry: "This is really weird guys."

Fred: "Yeah, who'd have thought a beautiful woman could produce someone who looked like you! Ow! Sorry, Harry."

**...and she was deeply, passionately, fervently, extraordinarily, emotionally, incredibly, exponentially....**

George: "Is this going anywhere?"

Harry: "I think so. There are only a few adjectives left in the English language that they haven't in love with one man. A tall, dark, handsome, gorgeous, magnificent...

Fred: "Here we go again."

**...brilliant man named...**

Harry: "Let me think, James Potter?"

**...Severus Snape.**

All: "Ugh! Eww! Gross", etc.

**She wasn't sure if it was his deep, black eyes...**

Ron: "That bore gaping holes into your soul when you can't answer a question properly."

**...his beautiful, silky, black hair...**

George: "That has enough grease in it to cook Christmas dinner for the entire Weasley family."

Harry: "And that's really saying something."

**...or the way he could command the presence of a room whenever he entered.**

Harry: "Because they're afraid he's going to hex them for breathing. This story is absolutely ridiculous. There is no way my mum would have ever been attracted Snape."

**One night, she couldn't hold back any longer. She had to have him.**

Ron: "Have him what? Make a glamour potion for himself so that he's not so ugly and repulsive."

Harry: "I really don't like where this is going. Can we stop now?"

Twins: "Nope."

The Twins pushed Harry out of the way and took control of the computer, much to Harry's dismay.

**It was the night before their graduation from Hogwarts. This would be her last night to express her true feelings to the man she truly loved. Silently, she crept out of her dormitory and to the large tree, where she knew Severus loved to sit at, at night.**

Harry: "And get jinxed by my dad and Sirius."

Ron: "What?"

Harry: "Nothing."

"**Severus," she whispered.**

"**Lily, I...what are you doing here?"**

"**I had to tell you. I love you!"**

**And Lily leapt into Severus' outstretched arms, kissing him passionately and tearing at his robes.**

Fred: "Oi, Harry, your mom was one wild woman."

George: "Yeah I've never had a beautiful woman kiss me passionately and tear at my robes."

Ron: "That's not really saying that much, George...Ow! That hurt."

Harry: "This...no. It, can't. There are lots of Lily Evans' right? I mean, it's a really common name, isn't it?"

"**But Lily, what about James? I thought you loved James Potter?"**

Fred: "Nope, same Lily. Sorry Harry."

"**Let's not think about James right now, Sevvie. All I want to think about is you."**

Ron: "Sevvie?"

**And that was the night Harry Potter was conceived. **

_THUD!_

Twins: "Is he alright?"

Ron: "I think he's fainted. Heya, Harry! C'mon, wake up!"

Harry: "Please tell me it's over."

Twins: "Not quite."

**But once Lily learned that the devilishly handsome Severus Snape was really a Death Eater, she could no longer stand to be with him, since she was so beautiful and pure, so instead, she married James Potter, gave birth to Harry, and no one knew the real truth of Harry's parentage, except Severus, who decided to hate Harry for the rest of his life since he felt James Potter stole Lily and his son from him, since James was also so devilishly handsome, but then changed his mind when Death Eaters attacked Harry at his home, and he was forced to go into hiding with Snape because conveniently,****there was no one else who Harry could go with at the time, and then Harry learned the truth about who is father was, and he and his real father, Snape, learned to respect and love each other like father and son, Harry killed Voldemort, and they all lived happily ever after. With Harry marrying Hermione. The end.**

"Wow. That is one really long run-on sentence," Ginny said.

"Ginny?!" The boys were stunned.

"Where'd you come from?" Ron asked his little, and only, sister.

"I heard a loud thud and I wanted to make sure everything is all right. So what are you guys reading anyway?"

"Lies. So many lies," Harry whispered to himself as Ron helped him into a chair.

"What?"

"Oh don't worry about him."

"He's still recovering from the shock..."

"...Of realizing who is father really is."

"Oh quit it you two."

"But, my parent's had graduated from Hogwarts over three years before I was born..."

"It was just a story. Hear that Harry? It...was...just...a... story."

Ginny was still understandably confused.

"Well, who wrote it?"

"Snape's personal fan club," snickered Fred.

Ron quickly filled Ginny in on the situation with the Com Pewter, the mysterious fan fiction period net, and the stories that had their names.

"Wow. Let's read another one."

"What?"

"Well, if we're going to figure out what this is, then we'll just have to read another story. You said there was bunch. Here let me pick."

"I reckon she's been hanging out with 'Mione too much," Ron whispered to Harry.

"Oh! Here's an interesting one."

"What's it about?" Harry asked, hoping that it didn't involve is mum disrobing any more potions professors.

"Well the summary says, 'Harry finds his true love. Will his friends accept the truth? (I suck at summaries, plz,' What's 'plz'?"

"I don't know, just keep reading."

Ginny shrugged and continued, "uhm, 'p l z r and r) HP/DM slash.' What's a slash?"

"Let's find out!" And George clicked on the story, before anyone had a chance to protest.

In our next episode: Will Harry survive the shock of discovering slash? Will any of the others? And when will Hermione show up?


	3. What's a slash? Oh

A/N: You guys are great. Thanks for the reviews. It does a writer wonders to get feedback!

Format is the same as last time.

* * *

**A Lion's True Love: Revealed!!!!!**

**Author: HDalltheway**

**Summary: Harry finds his true love. Will his friends accept the truth? **

Ron: H. Dalltheway? I've never read any of his stuff.

George: That's cause you don't read.

Fred: Maybe he's a Muggle author.

Harry: I've never heard of him.

George: But you're not a Muggle, are you Potter?

Ginny: Yeah, maybe they teach his stuff in Muggle schools.

Harry: Maybe.

**Harry was alone. Lost and alone. So lost and alone he didn't know where to go.**

George: Go left!

Fred: Go up!

Ron: Go across.

Harry: That's strange. I don't feel that lost and alone. In fact, I'm feeling quite fine right now.

**He wandered the halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry aimlessly, pondering is lost and alone state. He kept away from his friends. He didn't want them to see him like this.**

Ron: Don't feel so glum, mate! I'll always be there for you.

Ginny: And me.

Twins: Us too.

Harry: Get off me! I'm not lost or alone.

Fred: But you do seem a little angry.

Harry: That's because I'm being smothered by Weasleys.

All (except Harry): Sorry.

Harry: Thanks.

**The only person he truly loved hated him.**

George: Aww, I thought Buckbeak was really fond of ya, Harry. Ow!

**What was a boy in love to do?**

Fred: If the girl's really giving you that much trouble Harry I do know this one spell...

Harry: Oh no. No more spells from you two. Look where it got us last time.

George: What? It only led us to these perfectly harmless stories.

**One night, Harry, being so lost and alone, wandered over the astronomy tower. He climbed to the very top and sat looking at the stars, pondering his pathetic life.**

Ginny: Don't jump Harry!

Harry: I'm not going to jump Ginny. I'm not even in the astronomy tower. And I've never wandered around at night.

All (except Harry): cough grumbles yeah right, etc.

Harry: Well, not because I was alone and helpless.

Ron: You mean "lost and alone."

Harry: Whatever.

**Suddenly, a cool voice came from the shadows. "What are you doing here Potter?" it asked. No, it couldn't be! It was. Harry's secret love.**

Ron: Hermione.

Ginny: Cho.

Fred: Loony Lovegood.

George: Ginny.

Ginny: Hey!

George: Ow! Sorry Ginny.

**Slowly, he stepped out of the shadows.**

Harry: He?

Ginny: Maybe he means you.

Ron: "You stepped out of the shadows"? That doesn't make any sense.

Ginny: I mean Harry.

Ron: But I didn't think Harry was in the shadows.

Ginny: He was in the astronomy tower night. There's shadows everywhere.

Ron: Which he are we talking about? And how would you know what the astronomy towers look like at night?

Fred: Can we keep going now?

George: You two bicker like mum and dad.

Harry: Where do you think they learned it from?

"**I can't believe you came," Harry gasped, "I didn't think you cared."**

"**How could I not care about you Harry." And slowly, Draco Malfoy came closer to his troubled lover. With gentle care he lifted Harry's forlorn head, and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.**

All: ....

Five minutes later:

Ron: I don't feel right.

Ginny: I think I'm going to vomit.

Fred: I think I've lost my innocence.

George: I think you lost that a long time ago.

Ron: Harry? Harry are you alright?

Ginny: Is he still breathing?

Ron: Maybe it's just a dream. Keep reading. Let him know it's just a dream.

**Harry was taken aback.**

Ron: See Harry! You were taken aback! Malfoy wasn't your, your, uh...you know.

**But then, eagerly returned the forbidden kiss.**

All: ....

Five minutes later:

Ron: Oh, well it could still be a dream sequence. Harry?

**Slowly, Draco began to undo Harry's robe. Harry didn't protest, but instead returned the favor, doing the same for Draco.**

Fred: Why do all of these stories involve someone...

George: ...disrobing someone else?

Ron: Guys, I don't think he's alright. Harry? Harry can you hear me?

**Soon, the two young men were completely naked and alone.**

Ron: He's not moving.

Ginny: He looks so pale. Harry?

**And they shared a night of deep, intimate passion. The next day, Harry and Draco professed their passion in front of the whole school and everyone was accepting and was finally glad they admitted their true feelings for each other. They finished Hogwarts, they killed Voldemort, got married, and had three kids.**

"That's not possible, is it?" Ginny muttered.

"A night of deep..."

"...intimate passion?"

"It's okay mate. Who ever wrote this is just a stupid wanker anyway. It's all fake," Ron said, trying to comfort his shocked friend.

Harry just silently at the end of the bed. No color in his face. He didn't move. He didn't speak. He was barely breathing. Suddenly, he jumped up from the bed and into the hall, almost knocking over Mrs. Weasley in the process.

"Harry, dear, are you alright?"

Harry didn't respond, but instead just finished running to the bathroom. He slammed the door behind them, and all any one could hear was Harry vomiting in the toilet.

Deeply concerned, Mrs. Weasley rushed to the bathroom door and started knocking.

"Harry? Harry? Are you ill? Do you need anything?"

Ron rushed over to his mother.

"He's alright Mum. Just accidently ate one of those earwax flavored beans. You know how they can turn a stomach."

Mrs. Weasley eyed her son suspiciously, but decided to let the matter rest.

"Well, if he needs anything, you just let me know, alright?"

"Alright, Mum."

And with that, Mrs. Weasley headed back downstairs, just as Harry emerged from the bathroom. Still pale, he leaned against the doorframe. Ron hurried to his side.

"You alright Harry? Really?"

"We are never reading a 'slash' again. Ever."

"I completely agree with you Harry. C'mon. Let's go back to my room before my mum thinks we need to ship you off to St. Mungo's."

When they entered Ron's room, they were greeted by another surprise.

"Hermione? When did you get here?"

"I owled you last week asking if I could come over and spend some time with you and Harry, Ron, and you said it was perfectly fine. Don't tell me you forgot. Harry, are you okay?"

"He's fine. Just sit here Harry, there ya go."

"So what are you all doing in here?"

The Weasleys and Harry shot glances to each other, wondering how to explain their interesting, and disturbing findings. Finally, it was Ginny who was able to fill in Hermione on all the details, carefully excluded those of the last story, however.

"Well, isn't that unusual...Can I pick a story?"

"As long as it doesn't involve me," Harry whispered.

Fred and George moved away from the computer and let Hermione scroll down the page.

"Here's one."

"What's the summary?" Ron asked.

"Ron finds the person of his dreams. Slash..."

"NOOOO!!!" all the others screamed.

"Uhm, okay..."

"Oooh! Here's an interesting one Hermione! It has you in it," Ginny remarked.

"I don't know if I really want to read one about me..."

"Oh come on Granger."

"Be a sport."

"Well, okay."

And Hermione clicked the mouse button.

* * *

A/N: Poor Harry needs a little bit of a break, don't you think? So next up is a "Hermione goes Goth" fic! But don't worry, Harry won't be able to rest for long. And no one is safe. What will Ginny think of a "Ginny and Tom" story? And what is Twincest?


End file.
